


Why?

by luvtheheaven



Category: Glee
Genre: Bullying, Gen, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Attempt is only referenced not shown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:51:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2036160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvtheheaven/pseuds/luvtheheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt has a lot of thoughts about Karofsky between the surprise kiss in 2x06 and the time right around Dave's suicide attempt in 3x14.</p><p>I try to cover most of the relevant Kurt/Karofsky moments in seasons 2 and 3. Blaine, Paul, and even a little Burt are also featured in this fic.</p><p>I did include a small amount of Klaine stuff, some kind of positive (Kurt having positive feelings for Blaine) and some kind of negative (Kurt not actually telling Blaine everything, and mentions of Blaine's less than perfect behavior at Scandals in 3x05 from Kurt's point of view), but this fic is mainly focused on Kurt's complicated feelings for Dave.</p><p>I think both Klaine shippers who don't ship Kurtofsky as anything more than friends AND Kurtofsky shippers rooting for Kurt & Karofsky romantically should be able to enjoy this.</p><p>I think this little fic of mine has something for all of you! Go ahead! Read it. By the way, this is a completed oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

> I got two reviews over on FanFiction.net that told me I needed to get rid of the bolded whys. I think they look worse (more jarring) over there than they do here, actually - I think the format of that site might be a slight part of the problem. So I'm deleting all of the bold over there: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10572775/1/ But I'll leave the bold over here. If you don't like the bolded whys, even over here, please tell me so that I know. Also if you would prefer to read it without the bolded whys, maybe you should check out that FFN link. Please let me know if you wish I'd delete the bolded whys here too, though. Maybe I should.

Still standing in the locker room, frozen in shock mere moments after it happened, Kurt wondered **why** Karofsky had kissed him. Obviously, Kurt now understood that Karofsky was not actually straight, although Kurt still needed a bit of time to fully wrap his head around that shocking revelation. Kurt felt… well, he wasn’t sure what he felt. _Confused? Triumphant? Violated?_ He kind of felt all of the above. How could Karofsky be gay? How was that even possible? Kurt took a deep breath and returned to the school hallway, looking around nervously, a bit afraid of being attacked again.

 _So much for courage_ , he thought bitterly.

Being shoved against lockers had always left Kurt feeling bruised. When Karofsky had pulled him into that kiss just seconds ago, the bully had actually been surprisingly gentle with his hands and his mouth, and physically it hadn’t hurt Kurt at all. So **why** couldn’t Kurt shake the feeling that the event that had just transpired had been painful?

Upon further reflection, Kurt realized a few things. While he did feel proud of himself for standing up to his bully, he also had never been more vulnerable than when his head had been being held between Karofsky’s huge football-player’s palms, and that had been utterly terrifying. The guy was so much bigger and stronger than Kurt, and he’d had the power to seriously hurt him if he had wanted.

But there was more. There was a reason **why** Kurt felt so… _violated_ at this moment. After kissing Brittany the previous year, he’d imagined countless times what his first ‘real’ kiss would feel like. He had still considered himself to have never been kissed because he still hadn’t experienced his first one that _counted_ \- his first time getting the chance to be kissed by a guy, the gender he was actually attracted toward. Yet Karofsky had taken that away from him. And Kurt hadn’t been prepared to be robbed of that.

Kurt told his new friend Blaine about everything, not even sure how it was possible to have misjudged Karofsky so much. This was the most homophobic guy in the school. It was so surreal to now realize that all along Karofsky had been… closeted.

And before he knew it, Kurt was watching Karofsky push Blaine on the McKinley High staircase and again Kurt felt like an idiot.

**_Why_ ** _would I bring Blaine here? Blaine, who actually wants to be my friend despite knowing next-to-nothing about me. **Why** would I subject this kind, caring boy to this scary jock?_

Kurt sighed, frustrated with himself for still not understanding anything at all.

 ** _Why_** _was Karofsky acting this way?_ he wondered, staring after him as Karofsky finally walked away, leaving the openly gay boys alone.

* * *

Although Kurt knew he didn’t understand Karofsky, he didn’t grasp just how mysterious the jock was to him until the death threat happened.

Kurt remembered hearing once that all human beings are scared of the unknown. _That must explain the terror I’m feeling right now,_ Kurt reasoned to himself, as he considered how he knew nothing about **why** Karofsky was acting the way he was. It’s one thing to be scared to be outed. But to feel the need to hurt - and potentially kill?! – other people? Kurt could not relate to any of these feelings, and therefore Kurt had no clue how far the guy would actually go. Kurt didn’t want to die!

Kurt jolted awake from a nightmare where Karofsky had brought a gun to school and had pointed it toward the petite boy. This petite boy, who now was realizing he wasn’t at school at all, felt like he couldn’t quite catch his breath. He sat upright in his bed, slowly realizing that there was no shaking off this threat. This was his current reality.

The next night, the Karofsky in his dreams was driving toward Kurt in what Kurt imagined the jock’s vehicle to be: a large black pick-up truck, complete with the power to easily make roadkill out of a fragile human adolescent.

* * *

Kurt, despite trying to focus on how happy he was for his dad and his upcoming marriage ceremony, simply couldn’t handle it when Karofsky stole the wedding cake topper. And this time he _knew_ **why** the bullying was ‘bothering him’ so much more than it used to, but knowing the reason wasn’t helping anything.

 ** _Why_** _is the world unfair?_ Kurt briefly let himself think before announcing to his fellow glee clubbers that he was transferring to Dalton Academy. **Why** was he leaving? Simple. Because Karofsky was returning. And he just couldn’t deal with not feeling safe.

**_Why_ ** _hadn’t I told the whole truth, in Principal Figgins’ office?_

“He said he would kill me if I told anyone.”

“If you told anyone _what_?”

“Just… that he was picking on me.”

 **Why?** _Because. Because as long as I don’t actually tell anyone, he has no reason to kill me,_ Kurt hoped, wishing for a new dose of that courage that had brought him chasing after Karofsky into the locker room a few weeks prior. But he didn’t feel any courage. All he felt was fear. _Karofsky still might want to kill me if I tell. There’s no reason to take that chance._

* * *

“ **Why** would you ever want to go back?!” Blaine practically yelped, so surprised at Kurt’s announcement.

“Because I…” Kurt faltered, adjusting his sitting position to try to get more comfortable. He was trying to figure out what to say. They were in Blaine’s dorm, using the bed as a makeshift couch. “Because I miss my friends, and you know that Dalton is so far away from my dad’s house, and… and because I think Karofsky is safe to be around, now.”

“Really?” Blaine asked in disbelief. “But he was just calling us ‘fairies’ and practically attacking me in the hallway last week at that benefit concert.”

Kurt knew it didn’t make much sense. But Blaine hadn’t been in the principal’s office. Karofsky wasn’t the scary bully anymore. Now he was just a closeted kid named Dave, a kid controlled by Santana and leading an anti-bullying club.

“ **Why** would you risk it?” Blaine pressed, concerned for his boyfriend. “I just want to understand.”

“I know,” Kurt replied. “I just… I guess you’d have to have been there. He… he seemed so sorry for the death threat, and I… I believe that he never really meant it. I didn’t know what to think before, but now… now I feel sure that I was never actually in as much danger as I’d feared.”

Blaine nodded slowly, trying to understand. Trying to accept it. Kurt could tell that he didn’t, though. Not really.

“Please,” Kurt reluctantly added, “tell me if I’m being naïve. If you think I am being stupid you can just say it.”

Blaine shook his head reassuringly and responded, “I’d never think that.” He shot Kurt a smile before continuing. “By now, I know you well enough to know that you always know what you’re doing.”

Kurt smiled at hearing Blaine use the word ‘know’ three times in one sentence.

Blaine took that as his cue to lean in until he was only a centimeter from Kurt’s face, but Kurt started speaking instead of completing the kiss.

“Is that your way of saying I’m a good kisser?” Kurt asked in a quiet, amused, tone. He well aware that Blaine could feel his breath when he spoke.

“Shut up,” Blaine replied as the corners of his lips betrayed a slight smile, which Kurt took as a ‘yes, I certainly do think you’re a good kisser.’ They then began to make out passionately on the bed.

Somewhere in the back of Kurt’s mind, he’d realized he’d been wrong to think Karofsky had robbed him of anything. His kisses with Blaine were his first and only kisses that had ‘counted’. They were the only ones that felt like anything. They were exciting. He felt a spark stemming from deep inside each and every time their mouths enveloped one another’s. He felt a true attraction for Blaine, but he’d felt nothing for Brittany. And although Karofsky was a guy, he was so far from “his type” that he might as well have been Brittany. In fact, when he was still Kurt’s bully… he had been even less Kurt’s type than Brittany was. And that made all of the difference in the world. You needed to want to kiss someone. You needed to have a true desire. These passionate kisses with Blaine were the ones that Kurt counted. The other ones he’d experienced… they were something else.

* * *

Prom Queen. **_Why?!_** He froze for a moment, trying to understand what had just happened. Before running out of the gymnasium, Kurt caught the Prom King’s eyes as he stood there beside Principal Figgins. Yes, the King to his Queen was _Karofsky_ of all people. And you know what? He _wasn’t_ Karofsky in that moment. He was just… Dave. He was no longer one of the people who might revel in Kurt’s humiliation. He wasn’t one of them at all. He had told Kurt he was sincerely sorry for his past bullying. When had Karofsky started feeling sorry? And _how_ had things changed _so much_? Kurt might’ve been imagining things, but in that moment when he’d locked eyes with the boy under the King’s crown, it had almost looked like Dave was scared too.

Kurt didn’t really have time to think about it until later that night. Dave had truly been scared, hadn’t he? _And **why** wouldn’t Dave be? He’s gay too, and if everyone at the school knew, maybe they would have voted him Prom Queen instead of me._

Kurt could understand **why** Dave hadn’t been able to dance. **Why** he had left Kurt abandoned on the dance floor. With a slight smile, Kurt realized that hadn’t been such a bad thing, in the end _. Blaine ended up being a perfect knight in shining armor._

 **Why** would Dave have risked it? 

* * *

Kurt felt bad that it took him a whole month to realize that David Karofsky had transferred schools. **_Why_** _didn’t I notice?_ Probably because of Nationals, final exams, and the fact that this former bully was… simply that, to him. A former bully. _I can’t believe that after_ I _was the one elected Prom Queen,_ he _was the one to never show his face in McKinley’s halls again._

Quite a few months later, once they were both already a good way into the first semester of their senior years at different schools, Kurt had been surprised to bump into Karofsky at Scandals. Chatting with him briefly certainly hadn’t been bad. It had been pleasant, even!

 _Blaine_ _thinking nothing of dancing sexily with Sebastian despite being in a committed relationship with me? Blaine getting a bit aggressive in the car?_ Those were not gonna ever become fond memories for Kurt.

Dave happened to be the only part of that particular night that didn’t sting at all when Kurt thought back on it. **Why** was life so ironic, sometimes? **Why** do the people who you once thought would _always_ make you uncomfortable sometimes end up being the most comfortable part of your whole evening? **_Why_** _didn’t I bother to ever tell Blaine, even after we’d made up, that I’d had that conversation with Karofsky? **Why** didn’t it matter enough to me to share it? _ It really should have. Not because Kurt ‘liked’ Dave in that way. He didn’t. It should have mattered because it is a _freakin’ huge deal_ to be able to run into a person that had literally starred in your nightmares once upon a time, and find yourself now _pleasantly_ surprised to see them. 

* * *

“So… um… Karofsky asked me out earlier tonight,” Kurt said quietly so that only Blaine would hear.

The whole group was still lingering at Breadstix, cleaning up after that awesome “Love Shack” performance.

Blaine almost dropped the heart-shaped balloon currently in his hands. “What?!”

Quinn and Joe, who were the nearest to them, stopped what they were doing, curious about Blaine’s exclamation. However, Kurt then awkwardly gave Blaine that ‘keep your voice down’ look, so they went back to sweeping up the pink confetti.

“But....” Blaine was confused. “I thought you said he’d transferred schools after prom last year? I haven’t seen him at all since I started at McKinley.”

“Yeah. But I met up with him here, right before the party,” Kurt admitted.

Blaine was shocked to learn this information and stared at his boyfriend intently, waiting to hear more.

“I thought it was you!” Kurt clarified. He knew that statement, alone, made no sense. So he quickly continued. “I was getting Valentines from a secret admirer and I stupidly thought…” he trailed off, hoping that Blaine would be able to connect the dots.

“Anyway, he invited me here and as soon as I realized it wasn’t you… I also basically realized he had been um… asking me out.”

“Doesn’t he know we’re dating?” Blaine asked harshly. “I know he saw us at that benefit… and at prom, for that matter.”

 _He even thought you were my boyfriend long before we were dating,_ Kurt remembered, thinking of that brief period of time before the death threat but after being kissed.

“So what happened?” Blaine wanted more information.

“I called him out on how he was being crazy to think that after he tormented me for months and hate-kissed me that we could ever…” Kurt faltered, not quite sure how to even finish that sentence. Blaine got the gist, though.

“Good,” Blaine replied, satisfied with that response.

“He thinks he might be in love with me,” Kurt nervously added.

“What? He really is crazy.”

“Yeah,” Kurt agreed. “I tried to explain to him that he couldn’t be in love with me, as he barely even knows me.”

Kurt looked over toward Finn and Rachel. They were not helping clean up at all, as they were too busy making out in the corner of the room. There was clearly a difference between that kind of being ‘in love’ and whatever Dave thought he felt for Kurt.

“And you told him you’re with me too, just to make that clear?” Blaine asked, a little defensively.

“Of course,” Kurt replied. He then walked over to where he had stashed his gift and picked up the box. “He walked away pretty hurt, though, and left me with these candies.” Kurt didn’t want to tell Blaine that Dave had told Kurt that the butterscotch ones were his favorite. He wasn’t sure **why** he was keeping that detail a secret. It was almost like Kurt felt he owed Dave that much. That his preference for a specific flavor of candy was something only Kurt was supposed to ever hear. Kurt also wasn’t sure **why** he wasn’t telling Blaine about how some guy named Nick from Dave’s school had been a jerk. But regardless of the reasons **why** , Kurt simply was not going to mention these things.

“You want a candy?” Kurt asked, half-jokingly.

“Sure,” Blaine replied, taking the offer seriously. **“Why not?”**

Blaine grabbed the box, opened it, pulled one out, and popped it into his mouth. _Of course he would pick out a butterscotch one_ , Kurt thought, unable to avoid noticing that little detail.

Kurt was so happy that Blaine’s eye was healed now, and he enjoyed the rest of his Valentine’s Day evening without giving Karofsky much more of a thought. 

* * *

The next day was Saturday, and it was then that Kurt noticed he had a new Facebook friend request. _Oh. It’s ‘David Karofsky’._ Hesitantly, he decided to accept the request. He didn’t think too much of it. They were friendly enough now to be simple Facebook friends, right?

But Sunday, while finishing up his weekend assignments, Kurt heard his silenced phone vibrating from across his bedroom, where it was sitting on his nightstand. He got up from his desk to check who was calling. It was a number he didn’t recognize. He figured it was probably a wrong number and decided to ignore it.

It wasn’t until Kurt was getting ready for bed that evening that he noticed the caller had left a voicemail. He typed in his password and listened.

“Hi. This is Dave.”

Kurt recognized Karofsky’s voice. He sounded soft. Timid. Kind of like it had sounded the day before, in-person.

“I just… I guess I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for running out of there yesterday even though you called out my name. I just....”

He didn’t finish his sentence. Kurt couldn’t shake the feeling that Dave sounded incredibly fragile. Like he wasn’t broken quite yet… but…

“Thanks for adding me as your friend on Facebook. I just… I just wanted to tell you I really do think I’m in love with you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but… I don’t think I’m ever gonna meet anyone I love as much as you.”

Kurt had never been so uncomfortable listening to a voicemail in his life. **Why** was it making him so uncomfortable? He wasn’t sure. Probably because David wasn’t letting it go. What part of “You’re not my type” had made this guy decide to go for not just one but two kisses in the locker room that day? What part of “I’m with Blaine” sounded like an invitation to stalk his Facebook profile, find his phone number, and call him just to repeat “I’m in love with you”?

Kurt sighed, deleting the message, not sure what to think about this whole mess. He’d thought Karofsky had understood him at Breadstix, but apparently not. Karofsky was still crazily thinking he was in love. Kurt was tired. He put on pajamas and crawled under his covers, drifting off into sleep within only a minute or so.

* * *

Before school on Monday, he got a call from that same number. Kurt didn’t notice this until he was bored during Third Period, and since Ms. McLaughlin never noticed if people texted during her English class, Kurt decided to take the opportunity to add this number from the ‘missed call’ into his contacts under the name ‘David Karofsky’. This way, if Dave called again, Kurt’s phone would make that clear. He noticed Dave didn’t leave a voicemail this time, and in the back of Kurt’s mind there were a couple more whys. **_Why_** _did he call me again? **Why** didn’t he leave a voicemail to explain himself?_

Kurt noticed his phone vibrating a lot more than usual that entire day. Every time was a missed call from Karofsky. **_Why_** _is he calling me so much? **Why** isn’t he in school? Or if he is, where is he going to make all of these phone calls? He must be ditching class, at the very least._ Kurt was getting annoyed. Karofsky was clearly obsessed, and delusional, and not worth Kurt’s mental energy. Kurt had already tried to make it clear he wasn’t interested in dating the dude. So Kurt kept ignoring his calls. He didn’t bother mentioning the calls to Blaine, or to any of his friends. There was nothing really to say about them, anyway. Karofsky would stop soon, right?

After the ninth missed call, which he received during glee rehearsal during Last Period on Monday, he thought Karofsky was done. It was about three hours later, when Kurt was sitting alone in his house while he waited for his dad to come home from the tire shop, that he noticed that with the ninth call there had actually been an accompanying voicemail.

“I’m… I’m so sorry about everything I ever did to make you feel… You didn’t deserve…”

 ** _Why_** _wasn’t he finishing any of his sentences_? Kurt tried to fill in the blanks himself, listening intently to the rest of the message.

“But I do… I deserve it… Goodbye. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for what I did to you. I wish… I wish I was as strong as you. Bye.”

Kurt noticed Dave’s voice had a peculiar tone in it. _And he had actually left this message during school hours?_ Kurt was starting to feel pretty bad for ignoring Dave’s calls all day. His former bully sounded like maybe he had stopped wanting to merely ask him out.

Kurt, who was still alone in his house, hesitantly decided to call Dave back.

On the third ring, someone answered. It wasn’t Dave.

“Hello?” a male voice on the other end answered.

“Oh.” Kurt was taken aback. **Why** would anyone other than Dave be answering Dave’s phone? He couldn’t have dialed the wrong number. Kurt had specifically programmed this particular number into his phone. “I was… um… calling Dave back,” Kurt explained, meekly.

“Oh?” the man replied. “He called you _earlier today_?” he asked, heavily stressing those last two words, as if _when_ Dave had tried to contact Kurt was vital information.

“Um… yeah. He called me nine times, actually,” Kurt replied, feeling weird about giving out this information. Who was he even talking to?

“Nine times…” the voice on the other end repeated, as if talking to himself.

“Um… is there any way I could speak to Dave?” Kurt asked awkwardly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the guy replied. “Dave… Dave’s in the hospital right now,” the man replied, his voice breaking.

“What?” Many thoughts raced through Kurt’s mind. The man sounded grief-stricken. Dave _had_ said ‘goodbye’…

“Yeah. He…” the man hesitated. “This is Paul Karofsky, his dad. Who am I speaking to?”

“Kurt,” he replied, supplying his name.

“Kurt.” He paused, seemingly considering the name. “Kurt?” he repeated, this time phrasing it as a question. “Weren’t you the kid who…”

“Yeah, that was me,” the high-schooler hastily supplied. He couldn’t be patient any longer. He needed to know. “Did David…” Kurt took a deep breath before continuing. “Did David try to kill himself?” Kurt asked softly, terrified of what the answer would be.

Sure enough he had figured it out.

“How did you know?” Paul asked breathlessly, and Kurt took that for a ‘yes’, and his heart started to break. He could barely comprehend what he was hearing. He tried to keep calm, though. He needed to at least _try_ to answer Dave’s father’s understandable question.

“Well, I just checked my voicemail, and he left me a message three hours ago where what he was saying sounded kinda… final,” Kurt explained. “When you said he was in the hospital… I kind of put the pieces together.” Fear seeped through his bones as he proceeded to ask his own question now. “So… is David… alive?”

“He is,” Paul answered quickly, this voice thickly laced with tears. “I found him _just_ in time. He… he had hung himself, and he is still injured from it, but the important thing is…” Paul choked on his words. “The important thing is…”

Kurt waited while the man let out a couple of sobs that were getting in the way of his speech.

“The important thing is he does not appear to have been deprived of oxygen for too long. Also, he…” Paul reduced his already fairly quiet volume to a near whisper. “He can get the psychological help he needs now too, which apparently is equally important.”

Kurt wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I’m so glad you found him in time,” Kurt spoke in a near whisper, afraid he wouldn’t be able to get the words out if he spoke any louder. At that moment his dad walked in the front door, announcing “I’m home!” loudly and cheerfully. Finn was hanging out at Puck’s house, Carole was busy working a shift, and Kurt was the only person Burt could be greeting. Burt froze when he saw his son’s face and the phone held up to his ear.

“I’m so glad I found him in time, too,” Paul replied sincerely from the other end of the phone call.

“Can I come down to the hospital to see him?” Kurt asked, and this was Burt’s cue that something was terribly wrong.

Burt’s eyes went wide. “Who’s in the hospital?” he asked a little too loudly.

Kurt held up a hand to shush his father.

“I’m sorry, but _I_ can’t even see him right now,” Paul replied, sounding defeated and like he wished he could answer differently. “They have him on a 72-hour hold, and I mean technically he is allowed visitors, but the doctors only want to let in people if David says it’s okay, and apparently he’s not ready to see anyone yet. He’s made it clear to them that he wants to be alone.”

“Okay,” Kurt said. “Well, if you could just call me when he’s ready for visitors, I really…” he trailed off, but Paul knew what he meant.

“Of course. Thank you, Kurt. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

As they hung up, Burt impatiently stared at his son, waiting to find out what was going on.

“David Karofsky tried to… um…” Kurt got distracted when Burt tensed up at the boy’s name. “He tried to commit suicide,” he explained.

“What?” Burt replied.

“Yeah. And I think I could’ve prevented it,” Kurt admitted, starting to cry. **Why** did he actually say that to his dad? He knew the second he said it that he shouldn’t have openly voiced that.

Burt looked at his boy with sympathy. “Kurt, no. How in the world do you think you could have prevented something like this?”

“He… he…” Kurt started crying profusely, too hysterical to clarify any of it.

“Kurt, come here,” Burt said, gesturing for the kid to stand up as Burt took a step closer to him. Once Kurt was out of his chair, Burt wrapped the kid in a fierce hug. The father knew this was the only way to comfort his son when he was this upset.

Kurt let his tears dampen his father’s checkered shirt as images of David hanging himself flashed through his mind. **_Why_** _didn’t Dave have anyone better than me to call when he clearly desperately needed someone?_ Kurt knew his dad would be confused as to **why** his son was so distraught. _And **why** am I?_ Kurt wondered to himself. _It doesn’t really make sense for me to be this upset. It’s not like Dave is even dead. He’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna be okay._ Kurt repeated that fact in his head, willing himself to focus on that.

* * *

Later that night, Kurt had trouble falling asleep. He couldn’t stop pondering that incredibly heavy **why**. He lay awake and felt more tears threatening to fall. **_Why_** _did David try to kill himself? And **why** do I care so much about him? Because I know I do. _


End file.
